Addict John Living With Bipolar Disorder - The Bipolar Battle, Inc.

Addict John and His Story

His name is John—addict John. It’s been four months since his family has heard from him. He’s been isolating, although to him it didn’t seem that way, considering the chaos he felt raging inside him. He believed he was keeping everyone safe. His history was to hurt people—family, friends, his wife—when he was like this. He has been dealing with this emotional and psychological terrorism most of his life. He can look back on all the wreckage of his past and feel the guilt and shame making his torment more unbearable.

Addict John Today

Today, he sits alone at 3:00 in the morning. He just dropped off his wife at the airport. She was tired and confused from trying to understand what was wrong with the man she loved. He offered a mumbled, distracted apology as she stepped away from the car with her luggage, looking at him with tears in her eyes. She had been pleading with him to let her in, to let her help, but he didn’t know how. He felt irritated and angry that she couldn’t understand.

Addict John lives with bipolar disorder and always has been. He has tried to deal with it his whole life using various coping skills. His favorite was heroin. He almost died using heroin to calm the chaos. And on this night, after dropping his wife at the airport at 3 am, he drove to the worst part of Austin, Texas, where the people crept in the dark like demons, selling and buying the poison that helped them to deal. Addict John just wanted to sit in the chaos so his outside could match his insides. He just wanted to feel stable . . . balanced.

Addict John’s Medication

Addict John knew he needed to be back on his medication, but he hated it. It made him feel weak. It made him feel broken, but it helped. He hated the side effects—weight gain, erectile dysfunction—but it worked. He hated depending on a pill, getting away from one drug to rely on another, BUT IT WORKED. In the dark of his car, he felt his addiction stir in him for the first time in five years. He was in danger. The danger of relapsing and losing everything he worked hard to rebuild. The danger of losing his new wife and his new job.

Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder, previously known as manic-depressive disorder, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in energy, activity levels, mood, and difficulty in carrying out daily tasks. There are four different types, all of which have mood swings ranging from extremely sad to extremely energized behavior. They all disrupt the ability to function. Studies have shown about 41% of individuals with bipolar disorder report abuse or addiction to drugs and 46% percent report abuse or addiction to alcohol. Many individuals usually get treated for one or the other, but rarely for both. The chance of relapse into drugs and alcohol when a person becomes symptomatic is greatly increased. Stopping medications is dangerous.

Addict John thought about how far he had come in his life. How much he had accomplished—his wedding the year before, the happiness he felt, and the way his family was there supporting and loving him.

Addict John didn’t want to lose it. He didn’t want his wife to leave him.

Addict John didn’t want to lose everything. He had already done that many times before. Standing at the edge of the cliff with a needle in his arm, he looked down into the darkness. Not this time. This time he had choices—he had people to call, he had a doctor; he didn’t have to use. Looking at the time, it was 4 am. He drove away.

About the Author

Celeste Bowman is a Certified Addiction Professional with 24 years of experience working with diverse populations who suffer from substance use and mental health disorders. Celeste is originally from New York City. Her own experience with addiction and mental health has prepared her for the daunting task of working with people who suffer from these disorders. She attended Empire State College, where she received a BA in human development and psychology. She has certifications as an addiction professional in NY and Florida, as well as international and national certifications.