The Demon of Depression Has Its Claws On My Mind

The demon of depression has made an appearance in my life once again.

I knew it would happen.

I just had no clue when.

Depression is my demon. It physically and mentally sucks the life out of me. I am tired all the time and no amount of sleep will make me feel refreshed.

My thoughts completely slow down.

There is no longer any motivation or self-confidence in my bones.

I have these horrible and intrusive thoughts.

This plain sucks.

My Treatment and Wellness Plan

Each day, I follow my treatment and wellness plan down to a “t”. It takes energy and is literally a full-time job.

My plan consists of medication management, talk therapy, and self-care.

When I have the energy, it can still be a struggle to complete everything I need to in a day. Remember, I am talking only about my self-care activities.

People do not understand the amount of time, energy, and resources it takes to create stability in the life of someone having a mental illness.

When I am in an episode, I need to approach my treatment and wellness plan differently.

With depression, I do not have extra amounts of energy. My motivation is almost nonexistent.

Doing anything is a chore for both my mind and body.

Why do anything at all?

It is a scientific certainty that after a certain amount of time, this demon of depression will leave me. This helps me to get through each day.

If I can do my best to follow my treatment and wellness plan, I can reduce the time I live in this darkness.

When I was first diagnosed, I remember medical professionals telling me these things. Give it time and you will feel better. By following your plan, you can reduce the duration of your depression.

Now, I do not need anybody to tell me these things.

I know them from my experience.

My heart tells me these things.

The Demon of Depression

I see depression as a demon.

A demon is evil and sucks the life out of the person it attaches itself to.

This demon is a parasite that lives off my life force and will to live.

This time, the demon has chosen a sneakier way to get a hold of me. It took several days before I even realized I was dipping into a depression. In the past, I caught it real quick. Not this time.

I compare a demon to depression because I am accustomed to demons. When I get manic and hallucinate, I always seek dark, enshrouded figures and demons.

Like I said, I am no stranger to demons.

My Response To The Demon

I was doing everything right.

Sometimes, outside influences can cause us added stress.

For me, stress is one of the number one things that cause me to decompensate.

I am fairly educated on the best way to deal with my triggers.

However, when multiple triggers hit me along with extreme stress, it is hard to do anything but try to get through it.

I thought things were under control.

I was wrong.

I quickly contacted my psychiatric nurse practitioner and spoke with my therapist as soon as I was able.

In the past couple of weeks, my psychiatric nurse practitioner tweaked my medication.

The treatment plan for unipolar depression differs from that of bipolar depression.

If you give an individual who is experiencing bipolar depression, the same antidepressant you would to someone experiencing unipolar depression, you will have a chaotic response in the person suffering from bipolar depression. An antidepressant by itself will more times than not cause the person suffering from bipolar depression to get worse.

Remember, this is not the same response that everyone experiences. It is generally those who suffer from bipolar type 1.

That is the type I have. Type 1.

Please remember that I am not a doctor or a medical professional.

This has simply been part of my journey.

Self-care

My treatment and wellness plan outlines my daily activities and goals.

For example, I take my medication in the morning and at night. I go to my therapy appointment each week and work out each day.

This is the foundation of my plan.

When I experience bipolar depression, these activities can be difficult to finish.

Because of this, I focus on finishing these activities each day.

The activities that make up the foundation of my plan are non-negotiable. I have to get through them each day.

I have other self-care ideas I try to implement each day, but they are just gravy when I am living through bipolar depression. Those other self-care activities I focus on completing when I am stable or getting manic.

At this stage of the game, I have to be extremely picky about what I choose to spend my energy on.

When you are depressed, exercising becomes challenging. Ironically, you have no energy or motivation to work out, but all the experts and professionals state you will feel better. That is extremely counterintuitive to me.

I have found the best way for me to get through a workout is to detach myself from my surroundings and myself. It is important to be present when lifting weights (my chosen workout platform) for safety. It is a trick I learned years ago to get through the various activities during the day when I am depressed.

Episodes

Years have passed since I last felt depressed.

I experienced my last manic episode back in November 2016. It was a doozy too.

It was during this manic episode I vowed to cut the last triggers out of my life.

I had been cleaning the house for a couple of years, but there were a few odds and ends I needed to take care of it.

Honestly, I might have had a depressive episode earlier, but I have been very active and positive about my treatment.

I take my treatment extremely seriously.

This is a wake-up call. I can never let my guard down.

Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder is a mental illness.

It is real.

It does not simply go away.

There is no cure.

Is it manageable?

Yes.

Should I have a wellness and treatment plan?

Yes.

Can you lead a long and fulfilling life?

Yes.

Should I feel guilty, bad, or that I have a character flaw?

Absolutely not!

Bipolar disorder is a chemical imbalance in your brain.

Just like it is not a patient’s fault that has diabetes type 1, it is not a patient’s fault that has bipolar disorder. Both are illnesses managed with the proper treatment.

Bipolar disorder is an illness.

It is not a choice.

Do not get them confused.